Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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