there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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