guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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