I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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