farters have to be the big spoon...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
