Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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