the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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