I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
