Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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