Your face is a jimmy john
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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