i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
