Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
