I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
