I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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