No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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