You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
