i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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