would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
