I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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