I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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