She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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