I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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