my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
