Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
