ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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