life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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