do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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