So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it's like iHOP with fire
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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