Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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