FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
