I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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