I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
