I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
