Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
