i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
