I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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