i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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