Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
