I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
