if i can run in heels then i can drive
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
