May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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