I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
