dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
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How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER