Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
