apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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