he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
