I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
