Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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