I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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