I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
