I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
