I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
