brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
